Yesterday was a great day! My sister planned a lunch/ shopping day with the girls. We all headed to Evelyn's for lunch, it was featured on You Gotta Eat Here and it was delish!Danika really wanted to hang with the ladies, so I asked her if she wanted to come out with us. She seemed super happy! When we sat down, she started to cry. She wanted to talk to Ange in the bathroom. When they came back, I found out that she wanted to stay with her uncle and cousin and not hang out with us. She never said anything to me.
I told her that I would text uncle and him and Brinley could come by for ice cream when the ladies headed off for some shopping. That made her smile and it gave me a great excuse to eat ice cream.
After ice cream, James headed home and Danika and I found the shopping chicks! Danika told me that she had a major breakdown in the bathroom at the restaurant. I told her that I was aware of the breakdown. She then told me that it was all my fault. WHAT??? She then proceeded to tell me that I hadn't given her enough time to decide if she wanted to come for lunch or hangout with her uncle. Man, I thought I was just being a great auntie. Darn kids!!
After shopping, we headed back to the Koenig's and hung out until bedtime. It was a great day!
I've been dreaming a lot lately that James is leaving me. He makes it clear that he just doesn't want to stay married to me anymore and that he's done. Usually my sister is in the dream and she keeps supporting James and encouraging him to leave. When you have these dreams, they seem so real and it totally disturbs my whole night's sleep. When we woke up this morning I told him how much I didn't like him and that we needed to chat later. I needed to chat about my dream?? Obviously, it was so fresh that I felt I needed to talk to him about how real my dreams have been and he better not leave my ass. :)
We did chat and of course James reassured me just how much he loves me and that his little family means the world to him. He also said that he would do anything to make the marriage work now that these two little princesses are involved. He came over and kissed me. No more dreams, well, no more bad dreams.
It makes me think about marriages and how many marriages fail. When I was teaching, so many kids came from homes where mom and dad were no longer together. I don't like to call it a broken home, that sounds horrible. I had to conduct separate interviews because the parents couldn't stand to be in the same room, I had one mom try to hook me up with her ex while we were all in the room, I've had the parents bash each other the entire time, I've listened to how there are no rules at dad's house, but mom's house is like a military camp. Parents need to realize that it isn't about them, it is all about your children. Stop worrying about your feelings and realize that you brought these precious beings into the world and all they want and need is your love and support. It's also very difficult on the kids when they only spend a couple of days at each home, so by the time they feel a bit settled, they are shipped off to another home. Make it as consistent as possible, aim for one week, one week.
It is also so important that when you have your child or children at your home, don't put the other parent down, don't tell your child stories that will sway them to pull away from the other parent. Encourage your child to love each parent equally, it may be tough to do, very tough, but it isn't about you. Of course, if the other home is unhealthy and full of abuse, it is your job as a parent to keep your child safe. You need to talk to professionals and make sure that your child is removed from the abusive situation. I know that some of your are so exhausted from trying your hardest especially now that your children are a bit older and are able to make some of their own decisions, but you need to stick with it, you will always be the parent, your child needs you even if they have distanced themselves from you. They love you. Don't give up.
What your child needs.....
- Security—Kids must feel safe and sound. This means providing them with basic survival needs: shelter, food, clothing, medical care and protection from harm.
- Stability—Stability comes from family and community. Ideally, a family remains together in a stable household. But when that ideal breaks down, your child’s life must be as little disrupted as possible. Kids and families should also be part of larger units to give them a sense of belonging and cultural continuity.
- Consistency—Parents must synchronize their parenting. No “good cop, bad cop.” Consistency also means that important values should not be changed casually or for convenience.
- Emotional support—Parents’ words and actions should facilitate kids’ trust, respect, self-esteem, and, ultimately, independence.
- Love—Saying and showing you love your kids can overcome almost any parenting “mistakes” you might make. Even when your kids have disobeyed, angered, frustrated, and rebelled against you, they must know that you love them and that you’ll always love them.
- Education—Make sure your kids get the best possible education for their future. This, of course, includes school. But it also includes the invaluable lessons about life that you provide during the time you spend together.
- Positive role models—Parents are their kids’ first and most important role models. Be the kind of person you want them to become.
- Structure—Rules, boundaries, and limits: Without them, kids are forced to be adults before they are ready, and they lose respect for you and other adults.