Little Gifts.....

A couple of days ago, I received two beautiful gifts, one in the mail and one was left at the front door. My dear friend Angela, who I call Poo, I don't even know how I came up with that name, she doesn't just randomly poop, we don't sit around and talk about poop....I think maybe if she reads this post, she can be of some help. Angela is a kind, caring and beautiful friend who has a lot of experience with special needs. She sent me a book called, Expecting Adam. I haven't started reading it yet as I have been just exhausted at night and crashing when I get into bed, well after I think about all that needs to get done...things that I don't need to stress about but that I do. I am so lame sometimes.

Today's List: If I write this down, I will get it done!!

1) Take Brinley's 13 month picture with her giant bear. We are a week late.
2) Clear out clothes that don't fit her anymore. Princess Brinley now wears size 2. :)
3) Scrapbook her first birthday.
4) Dust
5) Nap

Back to the gifts......

The next gift was a beautiful leather bracelet from a super cool store out here in High River called Pixie Hollow. It is filled with beautiful and well made...well, everything. My friend Sundi, who has hooked Brinley up with pretty much her whole entire wardrobe, left this very thoughtful gift at the front door. The bracelet reads:

The greatest thing she learned is that there is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.

 

So beautiful!!

 

 

I wonder if I keep writing this blog, I will be sent gifts from Tiffany or maybe Porshe. I also wonder if I will stop drinking Tim Horton's and move onto Starbucks. I think this blog has endless possibilities for me...I am getting so excited!! It seems as though the 60 dollars I have spent on lottery tickets in the past 3 weeks is a waste of my time and money as I have won a total of 4 dollars. If you are any good at math, I have lost 56 dollars. Is it really worth it? People in really, super small towns don't win money.  :) I think I just went from optimistic to feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to think positive and rely on others to provide me with gifts and maybe even money. :)

 

 

Onto Baby Bean. She has been moving quite a bit lately which sometimes gives me the heebie jeebies. I know that some women love to feel the baby kick and swim, I like to know that she is doing well, but sometimes the thought of a living being inside of me, I find a little bizarre. I asked my OB one day if I was the only weird one out there who felt this way. She laughed and reassured me that it was normal. I have to be honest, I think she just said that to make me feel better or she just wanted to wrap up the appointment with the crazy pregnant lady and move on. :) 

 

 

I continue to connect with moms and was recently invited to attend a workshop/luncheon for parents who have a child with Down Syndrome. I was pretty pumped at the start, then I thought about it and realized that I am not quite ready for that yet. I think I need to wait until Baby Bean is in my arms. I will have what I need to have ready, but the group gatherings will have to wait for a little while.

 

Have a wonderful and beautiful day. <3

 

 



Brinley's insanely long eyelashes!





 

A Little Random.....

Brinley wants some bikini weather!!

So today is cloudy and glum and I heard another snowstorm is on its way. Boo hoo! It's a great day to write a blog about some of my favourite things/people.

I am going to list some of my faves and they are in no particular order. I am also going to number them because I am a teacher. :)

1) Friends who have re-posted my link and who are fully supporting our journey.
2) My family - James, Brinley, Angela, Bob (brother-in-law), Danika, Ryder, mom and dad.
3) I am thankful for extended family.
4) Paperlili - http://www.paperlili.com/
5) I just re-read my post and I started to get bored, so I will move on. Four things to be grateful for today is enough for now. :)

Bob, Ryder, Ange and Danika! <3

 

My dream - I had a dream last night that I was going in for surgery, another laparoscopy for my endometriosis. I was pregnant with this little bean but still going for surgery. My blood work came back with high levels but they couldn't explain to me what was wrong. My surgery kept getting put off. Another hour. Another hour. All of a sudden, my Nan, who passed away 3 years ago showed up at the hospital, just to sit and comfort me. I thought I was imagining things because I knew that my Nan was no longer with us. Then Tim Allen from Home Improvement showed up and I told him that my Nan had passed a few years before so she wasn't really there...he looked at me and told me that I needed to believe and that I should value this visit with her and enjoy these 'dream' moments together. I love it when my Nan shows up in my dreams. I feel peace. Anybody analyze dreams??

 

 

Last comment for the day. I was advised that the book that James purchased is not the best for reassuring couples that everything will work out just fine. I guess there are a lot of stats and it talks about all the horrible things that can go wrong with a baby with Down Syndrome. I don't want James to get all freaked out. I want him to feel comfort. Any suggestions on books or articles that he should read? Thanks. :)

 

 

I feel like this blog needs a little bit of humour....think Krista, think.

Only watch if you have a sense of humour!! :)))

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I03UmJbK0lA

A New Book.....

Last night, I walked upstairs to find this......

Yup, that is what I found. James ordered himself 2 books on snipers and one on Down Syndrome. I giggled. I for sure thought that his nightly read in the tub (don't tell him I told you that he takes a bath in our little, wee tub at night and he's 6'4") would be one of the sniper books....nope, he cracked open the Babies with Down Syndrome. I'm proud of James. He pretty much did this with no coaxing....except for when I told him that I couldn't do all of the research on my own and that he needs to step up just a little. Otherwise, no coaxing. :)

I don't think I want to read the book. I'm still scared. I still worry about our future and for me, it is sometimes better knowing less information. Whenever I have had to go in for surgery, I tell the doctors, don't tell me anything. Knock me out and do the job. I will deal with the pain and suffering when I wake up, but please remember to put something in my IV so that when I do wake up, I am happy!!

I don't want to become overwhelmed, again. Instead, I will go out for lunch with friends and we can casually discuss what is going on in all of our lives. This way, I am eating, visiting and enjoying the day.

Jumping to my next topic....I have only encountered positive and non-judgemental people along this journey thus far but I am worried that somebody is going to say the wrong thing to me and I lose it. I mentioned this in my first post, but I do worry. I am VERY outspoken, usually a lack of filter but I am incredibly sensitive, especially when it comes to family and close friends, oh, and my weight and my boobs that James said are drooping a bit and the stretchmarks that never went away after Brinley and I noticed in a picture that my nose isn't as symmetrical as I would like...I think you get the picture. I need advice.

Lastly, a new friend, sent me a link yesterday called E60 Perfect. Good lord, I cried like a baby! It was real and genuine and honest. If you have 13 minutes, please watch this one and have a whole box of kleenex nearby. My sister had my niece Danika, who is 7, watch the video just to get a little idea of what is going on. Danika got very emotional, shed some tears and is concerned that her new cousin will get bullied or picked on. She called me and we had a little chat and I reassured her that we will all do our best to support this new little bean. Danika ended the conversation with "Auntie, it's not like my new cousin will be a dinosaur, she IS a human being, just like the rest of us." Well said!!!

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=8450488

 

Have a wonderful day! :)

 

 

Angela's Love.....

My sister Angela and her boyfriend ;)

This journey that we are on, not only involves James, Brinley and myself, but it also involves our families. My sister wrote the blog for today. It's beautiful! <3

 

Hi, I'm Auntie Angela! I wanted to share with you some thoughts and wishes and dreams that I have for the new little darling on her way to this crazy family.

The day Krista said "I do" to the love of her life James, this is what I wrote for her....

I smile because you are my sister, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!"

Cancun. San Diego, Disneyland, New York, Rodeo Drive Baby, Phoenix, Madonna, Mariah, PCD, NKOTB, BE, Gwen, Douglas Glen, New Brighton, McKenzie Towne, yellow bear, brown bear, love lost, love found, Coconut Joe's, The Alley, Yuckatan's, Rattlesnake, ice tea, Crystal Lite, dark rum and coke, chicken fingers and fries, spaghetti and meatballs, The Zoo, Calaway Park, Heritage Park, the beach, The Big Comfy Couch, the list could on for hours and hours but I just want to let you know how truly grateful I am for each and every memory I have with you.

There is no better friend then a sister and there is no better sister then you.

The reason I wanted to share this is the simple fact that I can't wait for Brinley and her sister to have all their own wonderful memories and adventures too. With parents like my sister and James, these two little girls are going to have plenty of laughter, love and support. Their extended family and friends are blessed to catch a glimpse of what is going on in their lives and the chance to experience them growing, is a blessing.

Early one morning, Krista sends me a text saying I sent you an email, which is very common. She will always email a photo of Brinley....a little something to make me laugh or brighten my day. I head to my computer, open the email only to find attached a photo of a positive pregnancy test! My jaw dropped, my hands were shaking and I screamed! The day I found out that Krista was expecting again blew my mind, it was so soon and the babies would not be too far apart. Regardless of that, I was thrilled to be an auntie again. Brinley is one of my most favourite people in the whole wide world, and I can't wait to experience all the wonders of this world with her. I convinced Krista to wait a few days to tell our mom and dad. I had a t-shirt that we let our daughter wear to share the news of our second pregnancy and I thought it would be so fun to let Brinley wear the same shirt to tell the grandparents!

That day that Krista received the call about her ultrasound, my heart broke for her and James. Not because I was upset that the baby would have special needs but for the fact that I knew they had some tough decisions to make. After a trip up to the hospital that afternoon, my head was spinning so I could only imagine how they were feeling. Whatever decision Krista and James made was fully supported by my husband and I. The fact that they have decided to continue on with this little miracle of life, I couldn't be happier for them and all of us. Krista has always said you are given only what you can handle and I believe that this little bean (I call her baby Annie!) is going to be a special gift not only to us but to all of you. She has chosen the 2 most amazing people to be her parents, and with their support, guidance and unconditional love this girl is going to move mountains.

I am the aunt, one crazy, proud aunt and I can't wait to hold her and hug her and take both girls for their first tattoos and nose piercings!

Krista, thanks for putting your words down for others to read and share in this experience. I believe in you and know that you are going to reach for the stars and because of that your world is going to be a brighter place.

Love your sister.

xo

 

McDonald's and Sex!!

She definitely takes after her father!! :)

My appointment yesterday at the OB's went well. After all the McDonald's that I have been craving, well not only craving but eating and probably too much of it, only put me up 2 pounds in 5 weeks. I am just waiting now for my mother and sister to read this, text me and tell me how horrible McDonald's is for my health. I crave it and slurpees and I need it and if I don't get it when I want it, I get upset, like so upset that I curl up in a ball and cry in the corner of the room. Ok, just kidding. I deal with it and try to make my own Egg McMuffin which for some reason doesn't taste nearly as yummy, maybe because mine lacks the 50 grams of FAT!!!

Enough about horrible eating habits! My OB is the best and has supported James and I since the very beginning. She told us that she would hold our hands throughout this entire journey and so far she has been true to her word. My OB's nurse at the office has also been supportive and was actually excited to get started on being a part of our blog journey. What an amazing group of ladies at the Rockyview General Hospital!! Oh, and baby's heartbeat was 154. It was another beautiful moment!

My other comment for the day about pregnancy has to do with something that some of you may find offensive and I may lose some readers, but I will take the chance. :)
I dream about SEX all the time. I feel like it's all night and let's be honest, it's exhausting and draining. I can only do it so many times with so many celebrities. Last night, one of the many was with Robert DeNiro....I don't know why!! Nope, he just popped up :) and it was passion all night long. Am I the only one???

Well, let's move onto more important issues.....today on Facebook, my dear friend posted a link and I watched the video on little Maddox. I cried and I laughed and I looked at this beautiful child with love and amazement. When you have 7 minutes today, please watch the video. It will touch your heart and bring a smile to your face.

This is just the beginning of our journey and so far, it is all working out just fine. I can't tell you enough times that we are so thankful for all of the love, support, and wonderful friends and family that are re-posting and sharing our story with others. Today is going to be a good day.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkNzRjXK3hc

HA!! HA!!! HA!!!!

A Little Update......

How Brinley decided to announce that she was going to be a big sister. She was only a little bit happy. :)

I can't believe that I am at over 1300 views since last night when I started the blog. Believe it or not, they weren't all from me. I want to start by thanking everybody for re-posting my blog as well as for all the positive comments. Your support and love are greatly appreciated.

My sister told me last night that I needed to get some of my fantastic humour going in these blogs, so last night, I dreamt the entire night about writing jokes and being silly and making you all laugh. I woke up this morning and forgot everything but I clearly remember thinking they were hilarious last night.  :)

It took me quite a while to fall asleep last night, I kept thinking about the road ahead of us, but then I thought about this new adventure, the blog, the love, the stories that I will get to share with all of you. Hopefully you share your fears and upsets as well as your laughs and good times with myself and my family as well as with others.

I am off to the OB's office today to check baby's heartbeat and my weight. Awesome, my weight. Being pregnant takes all dignity and self-esteem  away that a woman may have and flushes it right down the toilet. I remember delivering Brinley and there was a 14 year old resident (I'm sure he was older) in the room, he was down there at the other end after Brinley had been vacuumed out at lightening speed. I apologized to him for having to see whatever was going on down there..I felt bad, yet deep down I was laughing. No dignity.

For the moms out there who are just starting this journey, my dear friend Karmen lent us a video call Deedah. It made us laugh, cry but above all feel better about the choices that we have made up to this point.

Brinley - so long ago. :)

 

 

 

The Start of our Journey......

We found out on December 20th, 2012 that we were expecting our second miracle. We were a bit surprised but definitely felt like the news was a very happy blessing. We just knew that it would all go well, being 36, I was still fairly young :) and our first pregnancy resulted in giving birth to our beautiful, little girl, Brinley.

 

Mommy and Brinley

We booked our first ultrasound just to make sure that all was going smoothly, little did we know that the rug would be swept out from under our feet.

We had the ultrasound on February 13th, 2013 and I got the phone call one week later. I was at home with our little girl, while daddy was at work. I heard the nurse say that everything looked wonderful and the measurements were perfect, yes that was the word that she used. I clearly remembered saying that this was all fantastic. Then the nurse said that my placenta may not be providing baby with enough nutrients and may not be able to sustain life. I thought ok, we can work with this, I will do some research and it'll all work out, because that is just how it goes....it all works out. Being the teacher that I am, I felt I needed to go over the conversation with the nurse once more just to clarify what had been said about the results. I repeated the conversation and she told me that she was ALSO saying that we had a 1:2 chance that our baby would be born with Down syndrome. I shut down, I cried, I cried hard and then heard nothing else but, amnio, CVS, testing. There was no way that our baby would have Down syndrome. Nope.

Baby Collins

I called my OB and went in with hubby, sister and Brinley. It was a bit of a blur but I felt better after walking out of the office, I had some more information. We would meet with the genetics counsellor and discuss options, resources and educate ourselves further on chromosomes and trisomy and abnormalities........

James (hubby) and I felt that this was something that we just couldn't do. We can't raise a child with Down syndrome. This will be the rest of our lives. This will be the rest of Brinley's life. This means a whole family needs to come together and love and support and take care of this child. No way, this is too much. I cried.

The following day, I got up and realized that we could totally do this. Yes, we can!! I am educated, I am a teacher, I teach girls who are at-risk of sexual exploitation. I deal with behaviour, truancy, drugs and alcohol, the court system. I can do this. Down syndrome kids are loving and cuddly and are always happy. Who's to say that her big sister won't drop out in grade 9 and become a prostitute downtown and smoke crack with her buddies??!!! A parent's dream!! This new addition will always love us and may go to university and get a good paying job and earn lots of respect. I don't know. Is this a realistic expectation??

Later that week, the charge nurse called me and said that we were booked in for an induction that day. I lost my breath, we were booked in, to terminate the pregnancy. I told her that we had an appointment for an ultrasound the following week and needed to go and see if there are any other health concerns. The nurse fully supported our decision and felt it was a great idea to get some more information. We could of ended it all that Saturday.

Ok...maybe we can do this. We went for our 18 week ultrasound and saw that little bean flailing her arms and legs. I was amazed and in love. The tech was very thorough and kind and I was pretty sure that I saw a little 'hamburger' up on the ultrasound screen. We were having another little girl!! Ok, we can do this. we have everything. We have bins and bins of clothes in our basement and some diapers and even some jars of food. Yup, we can do it.
The doctor came in to talk to us and said that he was a bit skeptical whether or not our little girl had Down syndrome because everything looked rather perfect. He asked if we considered an amnio....well geeze, we spent almost a 1000 dollars to have the non-invasive testing done, so now why we would have an invasive test?? Wait, maybe it'll all come back normal. She does have a nasal bone and her measurements are more perfect then what her sister had in utero. Wow!! Could you imagine???!!! That trip I had to take to the hospital because I was having major panic attack a few weeks before could have been for nothing. The worry and the tears and all the upset, for nothing??? Yup, let's do it, let's do it tomorrow.

We went for the amnio and it all came back positive for Trisomy 21. Our little girl STILL has Down syndrome. Ok, I can do it. I can totally do this. I'm strong, I think. I'll talk to friends and I'll access all the resources that I can. I can't let myself get into a panic again. My little girl needs me, my hubby needs me and this little bean, needs me. I am the mother and wife and I must keep it all together for the family. Maybe I can't do this, maybe this it too much for me, for our marriage. What if Brinley gets bullied, what if her friends make fun of her for having a sister with Down syndrome? What if somebody calls the new little bean the 'R' word? What if adults make fun of her? How will I react?? What if somebody is staring at her? Will I rip them to shreds? Will I start a punching fight in the middle of Costco? I am that mother who protects her children and who would do ANYTHING to keep them safe and healthy. What if this is all too much??

I decided to go and talk to somebody. Being a teacher, I have always been on the other side of things. I fix problems. I let people cry on my shoulder. I don't get weak, I don't need to get strategies and advice on how to cope with the ups and downs of life. No way, I am Krista. The one who controls my life and takes charge.


Ok, I will go and talk to a therapist and get my thoughts in order.



Beautiful BrinleyIt went well. I felt good when I left and felt that by talking to somebody out of my network of friends and not a family member, it was a healthy and positive choice. Yup, I talked and I talked and it felt good. I told her that I over think and sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up and feel so overwhelmed. I need to be like James and get into bed and fall asleep within seconds. Why can't I turn it off? I don't want to get all in a panic when the sun is asleep and it's all quiet in the house. I need some good strategies for when I get scared. We will work on this for the next few weeks, possibly months. I feel good about it. Everybody should talk to somebody.

So here we are at 20 weeks and still going. We are in a much better place, mentally and emotionally. We are booked for an echo on April 24th and looking forward to positive results. We have connected with a couple not far from us who have a darling little boy with Down syndrome. She is just as crazy and wild as me and her hubby is calm and grounded like James. We are getting the necessary information needed for the all of the forms that will need to get filled out. We are getting our lives in order, the best we can without losing the fun and excitement of having another beautiful, perfect little girl.

Brinley and Baby Bean's crazy dad!! :)

We are still scared and we still have concerns, this is why I have started the blog. I want to connect with other moms and I want to know your thoughts and your stories. I want to take this journey with others who are experiencing the same feelings and emotions. I want to support you, I want to cry with you, I want to laugh with you. I want to do this together.

 

Mommy and Brinley