Today was the day; pap smear day! I have been putting it off for quite some time, not really intentionally, just kind of didn't make it a priority. I called my doctor a month ago and took the plunge. I booked!
I'm not worried about the duck bill part, I am more concerned about the grooming that should take place before the appointment. I mean, come on, I'm a mom, I'm busy, I let myself go.
My anxiety kicked in as soon as I hung up the phone, I knew that I would have to take care of my neglected areas and make myself look presentable. Then I had another thought, most of his patients are senior citizens, so I'm sure that my undercarriage would be welcomed. On a scale of 1-10, I would be at least a 5ish. I tossed the idea around whether or not I needed to weed and de-clutter. I had a whole month to get my thoughts in order.
When I was younger, it wasn't an issue. I always took care of myself. I was single and needed to be ready at a moments' notice. ;) Times have changed; I am married with two kids. The few times a year that I shave my legs, I have to dispose of the razor after each use because it's dull after the shaving is complete. I always felt pretty confident in previous years, go in, strip from the waist down and voila, all done. This was a whole new ballgame.
Last Monday, I started talking about the appointment with James. He giggled and I laughed, but inside, I was thinking of the chore that was to take place in the near future. I continued to put it off. I'm busy.
Well, last night was the deadline. We had been out all day, so I was already hot and sweaty and tired. I needed a shower. I looked at James and told him that it was time, it was time to turn my honey pot into a work of art. I asked my husband for advice. I asked him what route I should take. He suggested that I call the neighbours and ask to borrow their weed whacker. I laughed, yet deep down inside, I actually considered it.
I brought out his electric razor and decided on a shape. The shape would be.....no shape. I wasn't going to try a heart or diamond, I would need a stencil and I'm afraid that we don't have those shapes in the art box. The goal was to make it look presentable.
Then I remembered that four years ago, I bought a Groupon for laser hair removal. I never used it, obviously. I wondered if I could call and beg for a 10:00pm appointment?? That sure would take care of the problem.
Right before I closed the bathroom door, I asked James if I needed to have the razor plugged into the wall? He was skeptical, unsure whether or not there was enough battery life. He didn't have a lot of confidence in his wife.
I closed the bathroom door, turned on the razor and slowly, almost like a slow motion movie sequence, I went in for the kill. I realized that there was an added obstacle; since having children, I now have that dog jowl type tummy that hangs. This was going to take some work.
There were beads of sweat on my forehead and upper lip. I felt a bit faint and was considering giving up. This was way too much work for a 20 second appointment.
I am not one to give in when times get tough, I fight the fight, so I carried on.
Then it came to me, I should have left it the way it was. YES! I could have found some sparkle spray and added some pretty to it. That would have been a pleasant surprise for the doctor and for James.
I always come up with stellar ideas either during or after the fact.
I continued the labour intensive process. As I looked down, I was wondering if we had any Draino. I never thought about clogging up the drain. I will deal with it later, if we need to go down that road.
I showered and finished up the masterpiece. Luckily, we didn't need to call the plumber.
I wrapped myself up in a towel and exited the bathroom. James asked how it went and I told him that I didn't care. I was hot and wishing I had that sparkle spray.
Appointment day has arrived. I needed to bring both children with me. I wasn't too sure if Brinley would want to take part or just sit back and play a game on my phone. I was hoping that she would go with the latter.
I get to the clinic. I check in. No, I don't check in. I'm not booked in for an appointment. I just drove 50 minutes, shaved my hoo ha and brought two kids with me to get my coochie checked. I better be in your system. The whole clinic is filled with mostly men. The receptionist asks me what I am there for?
A) Do I whisper or sign that I am there for a pap smear?
B) Just say it loud and proud?
I do what I do best.....I said it loud and proud. Just as the words PAP and SMEAR came out of my mouth, the whole clinic went silent. It was one of my better moments. I would get in but needed to wait a while.
I looked around the room and noticed a man who looked exactly like Billy Bob Thornton. I actually had to do a double take. He was standing right beside me when I announced why I was at the clinic. He never made eye contact with me again.
My name was called. I walked into the room, where I was expecting maybe a dim light, which would make the vajayjay look a tad bit better. No, it was the brightest room that I have ever seen. I could have worn sunglasses and still would be squinting.
I take off my leggings and my panties. I of course do what every other woman does, I wrap my undies up nicely in my tights so that they are totally out of sight.
I lay down on the bed. Adele starts yelling at me and Brinley wants to know why I am covered in a sheet. Please Dr. M, let's hurry up. I really want to get this over and done with, get home and drink booze.
Dr. M enters the room and I can feel my heart start to race. I know that he won't judge my shave job, but I'm sure he will notice. I decide to talk about the children and apologize for bringing them with me. He, of course, is just fine with it.
My knees are stuck together but my bum is where it should be, near the end of the table. I get the process. I look down and see the stirrups. I know that my feet belong in them, I mean, I've done this before.
Damn, I should have gone with the sparkle spray. Maybe he'll dim the lights.
On goes the spotlight. My vagina is the centre of attention.
I place my feet in the stirrups but my knees are like magnets. They are attracted to each other and no matter what I do, they find one another. The doctor tells me to open my legs and relax them. RELAX THEM!?!?! In about 10 seconds, you are going to put a duck bill in me and scrape my walls. RELAX!?!?!
I follow his instructions. He looks. He is expressionless, which means, I am ok. He's not scared but he's also not overly pleased. I guess you don't really want your doctor to be pleased......
As I am being invaded, Brinley makes her way up to my face and rubs my cheek. She snuggles her face into mine and looks at me with loving eyes. It was pretty comical. I mean, I wasn't crying or upset and wasn't acting as if my life was coming to an end. I guess she sensed that mom was nervous.
The pap ended, Brinley looked at me and yelled "YAY MOM!" This happened a few times. Dr. M informed me that in all his years of doing pap smears, he has never had somebody cheer the patient on.
I jump off the table, find my nicely rolled up panties hidden in my tights and get dressed.
I am a champion. I felt like I had just conquered the world. I took charge of my life and my lady parts. It's a good day. Ladies, go book your paps now, take care of your body and buy a bottle of sparkle spray. :)