Here is my list of things that I have said as a mother. I am surprised and slightly embarrassed.
1) Who has to poo?
2) Brinely, take your finger out of your bum.
3) Adele, put your poo down.
4) Don't eat the play dough.
5) I just said, don't eat the play dough.
6) Fine, eat the dirt, it will help to build your immune system.
7) Stop dry humping the ground.
8) You can't get naked during mass.
9) Do you want Kraft Dinner or hot dogs for lunch?
10) Stop saying "mom, mommy, mom, momma, mom, mommy." I HEAR YOU!
11) Just let her puke on herself in the tub.
12) You need to simmer down, your poo is flying out of your diaper.
13) You're lucky that you're cute.
14) I'm writing the ad for Kijiji right now and I'm even throwing in a box of diapers.
15) Wait until I tell your father.
16) Put another Barbie movie on.
17) Give her the IPad.
18) Eat any coloured snow.
19) If you stop, I will give you a Kinder Surprise.
20) You're acting like your father.
21) Just give her the lollipop, she can eat a meal for dinner.
22) You need to wear clothes when we leave the house.
23) No honey, don't put the toy there.
24) Mommy needs more sleep, lay here beside me and don't move....here's the IPad.
25) Mommy needs a bottle of rum.
26) You come over here, or you will regret this later.
27) You smell like your father.
28) I love you but I don't like you right now.
29) You can have a bath next week.
30) Go ask your father.
31) Mom needs personal time, can you go play on your IPad.
32) Don't lick the slide.
33) Don't lick the rock.
34) Don't lick the garbage.
35) Don't lick the cold pole.
36) Don't lick your shoes.
37) Don't lick your sister.
38) Don't let your sister lick you.
39) Don't fart on your sister.
40) Take the plastic bag off of your head.
41) If you eat your veggies, you can have a Kinder Surprise.
42) Never mind, here's your Kinder Surprise.
43) Stop going inside of the fridge, you don't fit.
44) You can't have a lollipop and a bag of chips for breakfast.
45) Ok, you can have the lollipop but not the chips.
46) Ok, you can have both, but you need to kiss me.
47) Hey, you can't pile drive your sister.
48) No chokeholds in this house.
49) Don't drag your sister across the room by her arm.
50) You are loving your sister a little too much.
51) That's daddy's sensitive area, don't punch or kick.
52) Stop putting your whole face in the chip dip container.
53) You can't just eat ketchup for dinner.
54) It is made from tomatoes......
55) Stop drinking the bath water, your sister just peed.
56) Honey, don't bend over like that when you are naked.
57) Why did you have to poo right when we left the house? Now you have to sit in it.
58) Don't bite my toe.
59) Could you just have put one roll of toilet paper in the toilet?
60) Mom just wants to poo in peace.
61) Don't eat the chalk.
62) Come here, let me smell your bum.
63) Give me the other one. Somebody stinks. Who pooped?
64) Mom needs to find her inner peace.
65) Your dad is gonna get it when he gets home.
66) Stop grabbing my boobies.
67) Stop playing with my stomach fat.
68) Get your head out of my bum.
69) I'm going to call your father.
70) Stop crying, you can't drive mom's car.
71) I'm taking back all of your toys to the store.
72) Stop throwing all of your toys in the garbage.
73) Your savings account looks better than mine.
75) I am losing my mind.
76) We are out for dinner, get out from under the table.
77) Stop helping yourself to all of the fruit and candy at the grocery store. That's theft.
78) Your sister will learn to pick her own nose.
79) You have a very poor attitude.
80) Mommy is about to lose her shit.
81) If you don't sit still, I will sit on you.
82) Stop jumping around, you will get diarrhea.
83) Your dinner will be your breakfast.
84) This isn't a restaurant. You eat what I make.
85) Ok, what would you like to eat?
86) Stop rolling when I'm changing your diaper, now I have poo under my nails.
87) Why do your Barbies always have to be naked?
88) I'm the boss in this house. I run the show. You are my little minions.
89) James stop watching MMA, Brinley just booted her sister in the head.
90) If you say no one more time, I'm gonna put you up for adoption.
91) You are acting like an animal.
92) You get that from your father's side of the family.
93) Does anybody ever listen to me??????
94) All three of you need to grow up.
95) Walk away, walk away right now. I'm not kidding.
96) That noise that comes out of your bum is unreal.
97) Sometimes, mom drinks.
98) Stop sniffing me.
99) If you bounce that off of your sister's head one more time, shit's gonna get real.
100) Brinley, don't lick mom's bare bum.