This was a difficult post to write...
Today, I didn't want to be a mom. I hit that wall, big time. I wanted to get in the car and drive, all alone, to anywhere but High River. I needed out.
I had no patience. Not one ounce. It was a tough day with a one year old and a two year old.
I didn't want to be a mom and part of me missed the times when I only had to worry about myself and my own needs. Today, I didn't want to take care of anybody.
I didn't want to get up and out of bed and....
1) Get Brinley her milk
2) Get Adele her bottle
3) Get Brinley's breakfast
4) Give Adele cereal
5) Change diapers
6) Repeat all over again for lunch
I sent James a text and told him that I was spent and exhausted and done. I think that as a mom, you only have so much in you to give, before you need to fuel up again, get more energy, find more patience. I don't live a balanced lifestyle, at all. I take care of my kids and family and forget to take care of me. This is why I hit that wall today.
I honestly wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Adele is needy. I know that everybody just wants to give her snuggles and love her to pieces, but when you walk away to do something, she cries and it makes it difficult to get things done. It gets frustrating and I lose my patience.
Brinley also has needs and jealousy sets in when her sister is getting the attention. Having two babies so close together in age, is hard. They are still babies and they still need their mommy, but how do you do it, when there is only one of you and two of them??
My energy is drained and the monotony of the day is getting to me. I love putting the girls down for naps at the same times because it gives me time to myself and it gives me time to get things done. Brinley isn't always necessarily tired by 11:00am, so she stays up with me. No time for me.
Adele will go down by 10:30am and Brinley, lately, has been going down at 1:30pm. This is not conducive to going out in the afternoon and it also doesn't give this momma any alone time, the time that I need to breathe and focus on my goals for the day.
I remember the days when I got up, went to work, came home, cooked dinner, sat on the couch and watched TV, headed to bed and life was calm. I just did my own thing.
Even going farther back, I remember when I went to work, went out with friends, had dinner and drinks, planned week long vacations and talked about me. I talked about the music that I loved, the movies that I just recently watched, the trip to Paris, London and Rome, the week long vacation in Mexico, where I drank and ate and loved my beach chair.
I remember these days, when it was all about me, and today, I missed it.
You can call me a jerk but this is how I feel.
My life has become slightly boring and monotonous. I need to rejuvenate. I need to find activities just for me. I need to hire a babysitter to come in once a week, during the day, so I can go out and refresh and become whole again.
Our schedule is usually fairly busy, but it is busy with my children. It is play dates and appointments and feedings and bum changes and naps and schedules.
It's difficult to change things up when it's so important to have routine with children. They thrive on routine. I am a teacher, I love routine, but lately, routine is taking me down, it is my enemy.
I have two girls who don't eat the same food. That is difficult.
I have two girls who nap at different times. That is difficult.
I have this baby who needs extra care. That is difficult.
I am a stay at home mom. That is my title. My title is no longer 'TEACHER', my title is a mom. Just a mom. I need more.
I need to find myself again. I don't need the single life. I don't need a life without children. I don't want a life without children. I don't want a life without James.
I want a balanced life. I want to figure out what my mind and body need in order to get back to where I need to be, so that I can be the best wife and mother to James and the girls.
I need a way to keep my energy and my patience level up with my children, all while taking care of the house, my husband and my own needs. I am only 37 years old. I am young. I need to find me again.
I am going to find me again.