NOT 50 Shades of Grey....

Day 5 of the 31 for 21 Challenge.....

When James and I conceived Brinley, it was total excitement. Ok, I just re-read that...you may think that the moment was total excitement but I was referring to tinkling on the stick, that was total excitement. The conceiving part was decent. ;)
Anyways, it was a long and rough pregnancy, I was put on bed rest, we had to live with my parents for six weeks and home care visited every other day. There were many trips to the hospital and morning sickness, well day sickness for almost the entire pregnancy. When we were induced at 37 weeks, we decided that we probably wouldn't have another baby. It was too scary being pregnant with Brinley and to be honest, pregnancy isn't fun. Pregnancy does something to me mentally and psychologically. I ended up in the hospital one night because I was having a panic attack that I just couldn't get under control. I don't freak out. I don't cry. I don't go all crazy. I don't want to die. I just feel hopeless and helpless and my mind is sad. I think I get so overwhelmed at the unknown. I am a planner and I make decisions and control my decisions and I'm in charge of my life. Being pregnant, you lose the control. You can't control what is happening to your body. You can't control whether or not you will have a healthy baby. You can't control the outcome. You can't control anything and I think this sends me into a panic.

One crazy night in December, I guess we were feeling randy and spicy.....I guess. We were careless, or maybe carefree or just not thinking or using good judgement. I'm not too sure. We couldn't blame it on alcohol because I know we were sober. I won't get into every detail as this is not an excerpt from 50 Shades of Grey but we did it! No whips, no chains, no red room, no kinky lingerie, no music, no candles, no back massage, no sweet talking....man, I think it might be time to spice things up a bit. :)
Anyways, after the joyous minute of loving, I was calculating in my head when I would be ovulating, just to make sure that we wouldn't be having a baby in nine months. Hmmm.....
I said to James that I think I was on day 17 and that would be the start of ovulation. He said that we would be fine and not to worry. I think he was in denial.
Towards the end of December, I was crampy and actually felt the implantation stage when it was happening one night. I thought I was just having cramps.
The next day, I took the test and it was positive.
I peed on the stick and immediately I saw two lines.
I walked into the kitchen and said "HOLY SHIT!"
James looked at the stick and said "HOLY SHIT!"
Ok, I'll get my 600 hours in at work, at that time I was working once a week at Rowan House, a shelter for abused women and children. (I will go back to teaching when the girls are in school). I would then go on maternity leave again and it'll all be ok. I've done this pregnancy thing once before so I know what to expect. Maybe it'll be a good thing that Brinley has a sibling.
I stopped working at Rowan House because I was sick for months. I felt awful. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just stating that I felt like crap. I kept telling myself that this was supposed to happen. We got pregnant not long after the whole Newtown, Connecticut shootings occurred and baby was due on my Nanny's birthday. It was all good. It was meant to be.

Jump a couple of months.....while waiting for the Trisomy 21 results, I went into a panic one night in the middle of the night. Here we go again. I called my sister, she tried to calm me down, I called Health Link and spoke with a nurse and she tried to calm me down. I decided to go in to emergency and talk to somebody. Again, I had no control over the results and no control over the health of this baby. It was a long night. Again, I am calm and collected because I know that when I am in a state of panic, I know that everything is ok and that I am safe. It's difficult to explain.

My point....things happen for a reason. We conceived Adele for a reason. We were chosen for a reason. I want my girls to wake up Christmas morning and run down the stairs together, excited to see what Santa left them. I want them to hide their teeth under their pillows and share in the excitement the following day after the tooth fairy leaves a small amount of money under their pillow. I want them to walk home together from school and talk about their day. I want them to argue and make up. I want them to love each other and be there for each other, always. I want them to be the best they can be and learn from each other. I want them to respect each other and teach others about respect. I want them to make a positive difference in this world.

I have received many messages from old and new friends telling me that they admire my strength and courage. I am not always strong. I am not always courageous. I am not always smiling. I am not always a good wife. I am not always the best person that I can be. I don't always say the right things. I don't always have patience. I don't always feel good about myself. I don't always feel confident in my abilities as a mother. I struggle too. I've cried and wondered if I have the ability to raise a child with special needs. It's tough.

All I know right now is that when I see these two girls look at each other, I have never seen a love that is so strong. They make eye contact and hold it and I feel that they are telling each other that they will always be there for each other. They have a special bond.

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.
~ Isadora James.

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 If you want to rank my blog or leave a comment.....I am in the Special Needs section....I am number 20, I need to get to number 1! I am not doing this for my ego, I am doing this because this journey is important to me, it is important to share and to hopefully educate, entertain and show others that it can be done. I've said for a while now that these two girls, with the help of family and friends, will change the world! :)