Drowning.....

Kisses

It's time for a Dear Diary moment.....

Well, it's been a difficult few days. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. On Tuesday night, Adele's breathing was laboured and she was pale. My mommy instinct kicked in and took our peanut to High River Emergency. Adele's respiratory rate was between 80 and 90. That is too high. I fed her a bottle and she regurgitated the entire bottle. I felt so sad. It was decided that she would go to The Children's Hospital. As they were loading Adele into the ambulance, I cried. It is so difficult seeing your little one being taken away in an ambulance. I was sad.

When I got to the hospital I waited to be seen so I could go back and see Adele. The triage nurse stopped what he was doing and asked if I was Adele's mom. He jogged me back to the trauma bay. It was a bit overwhelming when I saw this little baby on the gurney, crying, surrounded by 8 nurses and doctors. At this point, I was so happy that I had decided to bring her in. I knew something was wrong.
They increased her oxygen and did a few tests. They moved us to a private room and I just snuggled her for hours. I wasn't going to let her go. I needed to hold her and kiss her and tell her that I loved her so much. She slept so peacefully on me.
The doctor came in and we had a good chat. She told me that Adele really didn't look well when she came in and that it was a good decision to bring her in to get checked out. She decided that Adele would be admitted, just to be safe. There were no beds at The Children's Hospital, so they were moving us to the PLC. Another ambulance ride.
By this point, it was around 6:30am and I was delirious. I don't do well with no sleep. I was emotionally drained. Adele was exhausted.
We both napped for a couple of hours.

So peaceful

Both Adele and Brinley have colds but poor little peanut got hit a bit harder. When breathing is already a bit of work, adding a cold on top of that caused great difficulty with her breathing. Who would have thought that a cold would cause her so much grief?
When I returned home, I cried with my mom. I swore and I cried. I told her that I was trying so hard. She said that maybe it's too much for me. I realized that it's not too much for me. I am a mom and I worry about my kids. We want all of our children to be healthy and happy. I want that for both our girls. Seeing your baby being poked and prodded is difficult. Yes, there is added work with Adele. Appointments and writing everything down. All trips. All appointments. Mileage. Meals. Parking. It is work, but she is our daughter. This is what you do as parents.
I'm tired.

Mommy snuggles

The hospital expects parents to stay overnight but last night we couldn't pull that off. James had to go to work early this morning and I needed to take care of Brinley. I felt confident last night that she would be just fine. The nurse was so kind and she was excited to take care of Adele. She was looking forward to snuggles. It's still difficult because they don't know her, they don't know exactly how we care for her and how we feed her.....
I called this morning between shift change to talk to her night nurse. She had a good night but was tired during her feedings. That is normal. Adele is still growing and trying figure things out. She is so precious.
I'm hoping that she will come home today and we can get started....again. We returned back to High River on Saturday. It's been nice. It's sweet to see Brinley with her toys. It is all new to her, this makes us smile.
We finally got a furnace but are waiting on everything else to be completed. It is painful how long it is taking to finish the basement and garage.

I'm feeling better

When I first started blogging, I connected with a lovely girl from L.A. She was so excited to be having a baby. She was so excited to be connecting with another mom who was having a baby with Ds. She kept in regular contact and always checked in to see how the pregnancy was going. She sincerely cared about me. She posted every article she could find on Ds, all positive. She took great care of herself during the pregnancy. She decorated and set up the nursery so that it would be just perfect when she brought her beautiful little girl home. She couldn't wait to hold her baby in her arms. I always felt the love she had for her husband and growing baby. I was a bit surprised that she actually went past her due date. She was being induced. I was so excited that the time had finally come.
Part of our conversation last night at midnight....

I had an emergency C-Section this past Monday because there were complications. She was 3 days past her due date and we were going to be induced but I guess during my last 12 hours of pregnancy the cord wrapped around her neck. She is in NICU, they don't think she will make it through the night.
I am completely heartbroken. I feel like she was fine and everything was great and then things happen and it broke her and now I'm going to lose her and it's not even related to Ds.

I was rubbing her toe and she actually moved her toe, like she was tapping my finger. More then once. Right after that her blood pressure dropped so bad that they had to ask us to stop touching her, and we haven't been able to touch her since because it was making her blood pressure drop dangerously low.... I feel like she used all the strength she had in her to tell us that she knew that we were there and that she loved us.

At this point we want what's best for her... I can't stand not being able to touch her. I never even got to hold my baby....watching her go through this and not being able to comfort her is so painful.

She looks so beautiful and peaceful.

It hurts so much that I don't get to keep her.

They told us that she may go into cardiac arrest at any point so if she does, would we want them to shock her and do CPR? We told them not to do... I want to remember her....perfect and beautiful.

She has changed us so much, so I just want to make her life one of love. If I can help one mom who's struggling with the Ds diagnosis and show her how unimportant it is because their baby will be amazing and perfect, then our little girl has already been the most amazing gift to this world.

Our conversation ended because the NICU called.

Hold your children. Tell them that you love them. It doesn't matter the age. It doesn't matter where they live. Love them.