YES NO YES NO

Happy 1 month Adele :)

Saturday, August 24th, marked Adele's first and hopefully only month in the hospital. We had a little birthday party, brought her a cupcake, a pretty little dress, a bear, not the Costco bear that we usually use and her one month sign. We wanted the cupcake to be blended up and put in her gavage tube but they only want Similac in her tummy right now. The nurses are so strict! ;) It was a cute little party with just the four of us. I truly thought that our peanut would have been home by now and that we would be celebrating with the whole family.

Today was a tough day. We call the hospital every morning and every night to check on Adele, just to make sure that she's doing well. Today when I called, the nurse told me that she had just passed her car seat test. We didn't think that they would be doing it today as they thought she needed some more time. We were ecstatic and on cloud nine. James and I couldn't stop hugging...I was so excited that I could barely contain myself. As I was getting ready, the nurse called. I was pretty sure that she was going to tell me that we could come and get Adele. Nope. One of the settings didn't work properly during the car seat test, so they would have to do it all over again. I truly felt crushed. I knew that it was an honest mistake and technology doesn't always work the way we hope and it sometimes fails. She told me that they would perform the test again in an hour.

We headed into the hospital with hopes that with mommy and daddy by her side, cheering her on, she would pass with flying colours. We stared at the monitors and it made me sick. James and I decided that in order to stay sane, we would go and get some lunch and return when she was closer to being finished with the test. We headed back up and stared again at the screen, it all looked pretty good. She has to be in her car seat for 90 minutes and maintain her oxygen, respiratory and heart rate levels. She must maintain 90 or above on her oxygen levels 90% of the time. That is the goal.

The nurse printed the histogram and the doctor analyzed it with another doctor. Due to my OCD, I hung around and listened to the conversation. The doctor was pleased with the results and said that he would give her a passing score. He said that he felt, to be safe, James of myself should ride in the backseat with Adele. We still ride in the back with Brinley, so this wasn't an issue. We were so excited. I believe I was clapping my hands and I could feel my face getting sore because I couldn't stop smiling. James took the base back down to the vehicle and I changed Adele into her coming home sleeper and got her all ready. I detached her from the machines, the first time in over a month. I could actually carry her more than two feet from her bed. We were ready, I was smiling, I had been waiting for this moment for over a month. The doctor walked over to me and he was shaking is head. He called his superior and she was not as pleased with the results. Adele was not being discharged. He apologized profusely but I cried. I didn't want to cry and I felt silly for crying, but once in a while, everything hits me again....the flood, being out of our home for over two months and having our sweet peanut in the NICU. I got myself together and sat down. James came back and I told him the news. Again, we were told yes then no. I felt ill. I felt hungover....what sucks is that I haven't had a drink in over a year.

Everybody felt bad for us. The doctor decided that we would try the car bed. The car bed is just a type of car seat but it's a little bed. She would lay flat. I knew that she would pass this test. It's easy. Ninety minutes later, we were told once again that she did not pass. She was 1.8% over the limit. I unpacked her sleepers, her bum cream, her Vaseline for her lips and we put her back in her bassinet in the hospital, told her how much we loved her, kissed her and left her again. My heart aches every time I leave her. I feel broken. I feel sometimes that I should have found a way to keep her cooking for another few weeks. I want her to get fresh air and to smell the outdoors. I want her to have some sunlight. I want her family to have unlimited snuggles with her and I want to get up every 3-4 hours and feed her. I want to tell her that I love her in the middle of the night and early in the morning. The love we have for Adele (Brinley too) :) is beyond anything that we have ever felt. She has impacted our lives so tremendously and she has only been with us for just over a month. She loves unconditionally. She looks at you straight in the eyes and you can feel her love. She is amazing.

I know that we have a whole lifetime with her and that some may say that we should enjoy this time where we still have some time to sleep in and to spend one on one with Brinley.  We love our Brinley as you all know and enjoy every minute that we have with her....even when she's a little needy and crabby. :) We are just ready to have all of us together under one roof. We want Brinley and Adele to start connecting. I want to get started on therapy, I want her Uncle Bob to have some snuggles. Her Uncle Bob said something to me the other day that made my heart melt. He told me that every time he sees a picture of Adele, he gets teary and a bit emotional. It's difficult on the family who hasn't had the chance to meet Adele. I can't wait for those moments.

Adele has come a long way. xo

I am very appreciative of the staff at the Rockyview and for all of the love that they have shown Adele, James, Brinley and of course moi. During a difficult time, such as this one, they have always shown support and love and you can see just how much they care about all of the babies in the NICU. They are unbelievable women. There is one nurse, Nurse Betty...she told me that I could use her name if I wrote something kind! :) Nurse Betty is the most beautiful person, inside and out. She smiles at you. She is sincere in her love. She checks in to see how you are holding up even if she doesn't have your baby. She is the type of person who makes us all look bad!! HA! HA!!! Just kidding Nurse Betty! I love you!!
I would love to talk about all of the nurses individually.....maybe they will give me permission.

Anyways, we don't know when the next test will be, but I am going to try to keep calm and breathe and know that Adele will let us know when she is ready to come home.

Thank you to all of you for the prayers and support. It keeps us smiling. xo