Boy meets girl.
Chat over facebook for a week.
Go on a date.
Kiss.
Fall in love quickly.
Move in together after seven months of dating.
Get engaged after eight months of dating.
Married a year later.
Baby number one.
Baby number two.
Lost.
The blogging world talks/writes a lot about how difficult it is to be a parent, whether you are a stay at home parent or a working parent. There is this competition and debate surrounding which one is more difficult. My husband should be so thankful that I stay at home with our children. My husband should be so thankful that I go to work every day and bring home a paycheck.
This is where I am at. Yup, it's damn hard being a parent. It's damn hard raising children. It's damn hard finding a healthy balance, a balance where you take care of your babies, take care of yourself and take care of your partner.
I'm starting to realize that marriage is where I need to focus a lot my energy. I think that marriage is possibly the hardest job out of all of them. Without a strong marriage, can you be a good parent to your children? When you are struggling in your marriage, how does this impact your children?
I find myself struggling with finding time to work on my marriage. I never actually thought that I would ever be in this position. You get married. You have children. You are happy.
I am not happy with how much time and energy I am putting into making my marriage work. I am lacking in this department.
Our routines are set and we follow them, which doesn't include any time for us. James works Monday to Friday, he gets home at 5:00pm, we eat dinner, he takes the kids to the park, they get baths, it's bed time and then I fall into bed and crave.....sleep. I just really want a good night's sleep.
I don't schedule in, kiss James when he gets home from work.
It's......
Get the plates out. Get the food off the BBQ. Get the kids round up for dinner. Serve dinner.
I don't get into bed at night and schedule a good night kiss. I close my eyes and hope that I fall asleep within the hour.
I see my marriage taking a backseat in my life. The life that keeps me so busy.
We are partners. We are partners raising our children. James works so that he can pay the bills and put food on the table. I am grateful.
There have been issues in the past which have put a strain on our marriage. You know, things that happen, where you argue about them, but they never really get resolved? I think we did that with a couple of things. I am the type of person who needs a resolution. It doesn't need to be a full sit down chat that goes on for hours, but an apology and some sort of resolution. I hang onto things. I know that I do. I forgive easily but I don't forget easily. It's a downfall.
James and I are a good match. I am Type A. He is not. I lack a filter. He has a filter. I CAN be relaxed and easy going. He is fairly relaxed and easy going. I like to get things done. He likes to get things done, but more so when he has the time and energy. We both like a nice, clean and organized home. I find that when my home is free of clutter, my mind follows suit. I love my babies with all of my heart. James is the best daddy. He has such a beautiful bond with both of his girls. All of our energy and time goes towards making sure that the girls are happy and healthy and well taken care of. We forget about taking care of us.
We have hit a wall. We are in a place where we don't have time to ourselves. The last time we went on a date, it was our anniversary. We went out for dinner but were back at my parent's house within the hour. I feel guilty leaving my kids with my parents. I feel like I should get back as soon as I can. I need to get over this feeling.....thanks mom. :)
We don't have time to ourselves and when we do, it's at bed time. We have found ourselves caught up in this circle, the same things day after day, when it comes to our marriage.
In the beginning, we went on trips, we took day trips, we went to Mexico, we took naps, we watched movies. That is long gone now. Spontaneity isn't always possible with two little ones. We go out often with the girls and always have a blast, but there is no alone time. None.
My children take up my time. All of it and I don't know how to schedule in "Make Marriage Work."
The routine that we are in, is getting to both of us. I can see why marriages don't last. I can see that when you focus all of your time and attention towards your children and your home, you completely neglect your partner. We are both to blame.
When I was growing up, families stayed together. The majority of my friends, their parents were still married. There were only a couple of good friends, whose parents went their separate ways. It was not common.
Today, I see marriages crumbling all around me. Is there a lack of effort? Is it technology? Why are marriages failing? Are we too caught up in things that just don't matter? Do people still value marriage? Do we go into marriage without really thinking about what it entails?
Don't get me wrong, I wake up happy and I am madly in love with my family, but there is an area that needs work. It needs to be my focus, but I don't know how to focus on it. I don't know where to start.
Do I write a list? Do I plan a date night and hope that somebody will watch the girls? Adele doesn't do well sometimes without her mommy and daddy and I worry that it would be an unbelievably painful experience for a babysitter. Do I consciously make the effort to kiss my husband after work? Do I need to work on myself first before I can ensure that my marriage will be successful?
It seems like there are so many things that get in the way of working on my marriage. We need to find that excitement again. Those feelings that we had when we first met. How do you get that back when you have two little ones?
I need to continue to work on myself and my own self esteem.
I need to continue to strive to make this marriage work.
I need to continue to be the best mom that I can be.
I need to continue to take care of me.
I need to find a balance.
I need to drink more. ;)
Sigh.
Have you read The Five Love Languages? As you know I havebeen/am there...I think most of us with small children do. I found this book to be a good starting place. Ideally hubby would read it too but not in my house: p
ReplyDeleteYou told me about it before...going to get it! Thank you. xo
DeleteI was recommended the 5 love languages as well. It's sitting on my nightstand and when I go to bed and can actually keep my eyes open I will start reading it!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to get it and commit to reading it....Cassandra, I don't even know how you function some days. How do you find time, ever? xo
DeleteWhen I started reading I was taken aback.. "Wait, this sounds familiar". Husband and I met on facebook, we talked for a month and then met. First kiss. Fell in love quickly. Moved in after three months of dating, got engaged after a year. Had first baby shortly after. We had three more after first baby, so we packed in a lot of responsibility in to a short time.
ReplyDeleteI continued reading and it seriously sounded like us, like me specifically. I easily forgive, but don't easily forget. I hold on to things and need closer, so to speak. A apology, an acknowledgement of both sides, something to put a cap on the argument and the feelings exhausted during it. That in itself is something I work on continuously, because the energy spent holding on to things leads to wasted time.
It was earlier this year that I stopped my husband one night and said "We have lost each other. We have lost each other in the chaotic routine of our home. We need to find one another again". Now, my husband and I spend at least an hour together after the kids go to bed. We eat our dinner and watch Tv. We have done this since the day our oldest was born as a every day date night at home. It works, it still works. However, the little things were shuffled under the rug (or couch with everything else) and we had lost our romance and spark. I told him we need to make time for kisses, make time for hugs, make time for sweet nothings as we pass one another. If he comes in to the kitchen I rub my hand across his back before I continue on. When he comes home I smile and ask "How was your day", for a few seconds after he walks in it is just him and I. Then the freight train comes through wanting Daddy's attention or wanting something from me and our togetherness is interrupted. I make an effort, he makes an effort to tell each other we love one another because that too had gotten lost in the shuffle. All of this, these little things that may seem silly have meant everything to us. When we're out with the kids I hold his hand, or I give him a tight squeeze, or I glance over the head of the child clinging to me and give him a smile. Little things make the big picture a little sweeter. That's all it takes. The little things..
Ali, awesome ideas for us to try out. On my Facebook page, there were a few suggestions, so tonight we committed to Friday night date nights after the kids go to bed. Go downstairs, make popcorn and watch a movie. I am also going to give my husband a kiss when he gets home. I think I need to slow down a bit. James is very affectionate, rubs my back, kisses me, tells me he loves me all of the time and means it. He is very loving. We just get so caught up in all the other things and push this to the side sometimes...gotta get it back. I love that our stories are similar. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. :) Krista
DeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Jana and we are living (my hubby and my amazing 2.5 years old son) in Calgary. I have been reading your blog for couple of days , we got info about your blog from genetic counsellor. We wanted to get in touch with family who has gone through this and has a baby with DS.
First of all, you have a beautiful family and very sweet girls. I'm enjoying reading your blog and getting to "know" your family. You are doing a great job with dealing life and life isn't easy.
Just started my 16th week of pregnancy and our 13th something week ultrasound was positive for DS and maybe not very well developing placenta. I still can't believe it. We didn't want to do the invasive testing due to risk of loosing the baby. We haven't done NIPT test either yet due to my son being pretty sick for couple of weeks. Last couple of days have been very hard on me and I'm really stressing out. I feel like there are not many resources here and much help. We've met with genetic councillor but it didn't help me much. I feel like I can get more information from internet. :(.
How did you feel about the NIPT test? And the invasive test? I'm little lost now and any input is very appreciated. I know your life is very busy, hopefully you'll find a little whole to help me out. Thank you:).
Hi Janik, I apologize for just seeing this now. I didn't receive a message letting me know that you had commented. Would you like to chat on the phone? Email me....krowland23@hotmail.com
DeleteKrista
That should have said....Jana. I hope to hear from you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis was really an interesting topic and I kinda agree with what you have mentioned here!
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