This was a difficult post to write...Today, I didn't want to be a mom. I hit that wall, big time. I wanted to get in the car and drive, all alone, to anywhere but High River. I needed out.
I had no patience. Not one ounce. It was a tough day with a one year old and a two year old.
I didn't want to be a mom and part of me missed the times when I only had to worry about myself and my own needs. Today, I didn't want to take care of anybody.
I didn't want to get up and out of bed and....
1) Get Brinley her milk
2) Get Adele her bottle
3) Get Brinley's breakfast
4) Give Adele cereal
5) Change diapers
6) Repeat all over again for lunch
I sent James a text and told him that I was spent and exhausted and done. I think that as a mom, you only have so much in you to give, before you need to fuel up again, get more energy, find more patience. I don't live a balanced lifestyle, at all. I take care of my kids and family and forget to take care of me. This is why I hit that wall today.
I honestly wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Adele is needy. I know that everybody just wants to give her snuggles and love her to pieces, but when you walk away to do something, she cries and it makes it difficult to get things done. It gets frustrating and I lose my patience.
Brinley also has needs and jealousy sets in when her sister is getting the attention. Having two babies so close together in age, is hard. They are still babies and they still need their mommy, but how do you do it, when there is only one of you and two of them??
My energy is drained and the monotony of the day is getting to me. I love putting the girls down for naps at the same times because it gives me time to myself and it gives me time to get things done. Brinley isn't always necessarily tired by 11:00am, so she stays up with me. No time for me.
Adele will go down by 10:30am and Brinley, lately, has been going down at 1:30pm. This is not conducive to going out in the afternoon and it also doesn't give this momma any alone time, the time that I need to breathe and focus on my goals for the day.
I remember the days when I got up, went to work, came home, cooked dinner, sat on the couch and watched TV, headed to bed and life was calm. I just did my own thing.
Even going farther back, I remember when I went to work, went out with friends, had dinner and drinks, planned week long vacations and talked about me. I talked about the music that I loved, the movies that I just recently watched, the trip to Paris, London and Rome, the week long vacation in Mexico, where I drank and ate and loved my beach chair.
I remember these days, when it was all about me, and today, I missed it.
You can call me a jerk but this is how I feel.
My life has become slightly boring and monotonous. I need to rejuvenate. I need to find activities just for me. I need to hire a babysitter to come in once a week, during the day, so I can go out and refresh and become whole again.
Our schedule is usually fairly busy, but it is busy with my children. It is play dates and appointments and feedings and bum changes and naps and schedules.
It's difficult to change things up when it's so important to have routine with children. They thrive on routine. I am a teacher, I love routine, but lately, routine is taking me down, it is my enemy.
I have two girls who don't eat the same food. That is difficult.
I have two girls who nap at different times. That is difficult.
I have this baby who needs extra care. That is difficult.
I am a stay at home mom. That is my title. My title is no longer 'TEACHER', my title is a mom. Just a mom. I need more.
I need to find myself again. I don't need the single life. I don't need a life without children. I don't want a life without children. I don't want a life without James.
I want a balanced life. I want to figure out what my mind and body need in order to get back to where I need to be, so that I can be the best wife and mother to James and the girls.
I need a way to keep my energy and my patience level up with my children, all while taking care of the house, my husband and my own needs. I am only 37 years old. I am young. I need to find me again.
I am going to find me again.
We all have those days. Jakob was my clingy one...and he didn't sleep during the day. It's exhausting, I know. But hang in there. And absolutely! Take some time for you. Find something that rejuvenates you. Happy healthy mommy, happy healthy babies.
ReplyDeleteThank you Krista! You are so right, I need to find something the rejuvenates me! When I am happy and healthy, my babies are happy!! That balance is tough sometimes and I am still learning how to achieve the perfect balance. Have you?? :)
DeleteAh...I remember those days well! Back in the day when I had four young kids running wild through the house, and all I did was change diapers, wipe noses, and clean macaroni off the floor...I thought I would lose my effing mind! There were many days where I wanted to "quit" being a Mom. So don't feel bad, we all have those days. It's hard to find time just for you...But try. Even if it's just a few hours once a week where you can get the hell out of the house...ALONE! My kids are all teenagers now (well most of them!) so I feel I have a bit more freedom...But I hear ya friend...I remember how it felt. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteI will for sure find time for me and James is incredibly supportive. I just need to take action instead of talking about it. Thanks JC! xo
ReplyDeleteOh, my friend, I know the feeling. Lisette will only nap during the day for like 20 minutes at a time. It's exhausting. I get nothing done, and I have the three other kids wanting attention and having needs as well. My older daughter keeps asking me for a mommy-and-me date and the thought that goes through my mind is "I'd love just a Mommy date!" We'll get through it.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any access to respite through your local networks at all? It might be something to look into! Someone told me about it just the other day and I about cried my eyes out. The thought of a few hours to myself is almost inconceivable.
Thinking of you!
20 minutes is just not ok! A good hour and a half, that gives you a break! Too bad they don't work on our schedules! :) We do have access to respite care and this is where it is my fault. I have troubles leaving the kids with anybody other than family. It's tough for me. You need time and I hope that you take advantage of it!! :)
DeleteIn CA respite can be paid to a family member or designated person by you. The person will need cpr certification I think or a day of training?
ReplyDeleteIt's EXCELLENT that you are realizing and talking about the importance of me time. You can plot the plan for now and have big goals.
Now go outside when you can. Play music (rockaby baby is lullabies elevator music of songs you Likley like but with no words -- including offensive ones you can sing in your head.
Background music helps tons and ya know those crazy toddler favorites are really great for your littles!!
The naps shift--you already are trying to combine a bit. A few more months but that's a VERY LONG time and percentage of say your younger toddlers life so do not think it's a short period. Find support while you are home to start, setting up respite takes time so just start and see where it goes. As in start the optional pile of paperwork that I have not yet either. My son is six. Download something NOW or send an email or find a link
My kids are quite spread out. To me, you have twins. My extended family had this same 17 m spread and it's tough under four years old I think -- and they both worked so had a mind break at least. Others have twins and it's not tons tons different.
You got this and announcing it will hold you accountable for seeking remedies. Like a group on a diet--we need an afternoon lightening of our appetite to smother our kids with our own personal form of love. I'll try to take a step before year end too...okay I WILL!
You are so awesome! Thank you for all of this! I know that I can get respite, but it's me letting go a bit. That needs to happen. I have only ever had family take care of the kids, no friends, no babysitters. I know, I need to let go. :) I am going to take your advice! Thank you! Krista
Delete